SWAT Kats

Transcript

Transcript by Kooshmeister.

Cast:

  • T-Bone/Chance Furlong – Charles Adler
  • Razor/Jake Clawson – Barry Gordon
  • Callie Briggs – Tress MacNeille
  • Commander Feral – Gary Owens
  • Mayor Manx – Jim Cummings

Guest Cast (in order of appearance):

  • Burke – Mark Hamill
  • Farmer – Mark Hamill
  • Dr. N. Zyme – Paul Eiding

Supporting Cast (in order of appearance):

  • Morbulus – Jim Cummings
  • Ann Gora – Candi Milo
  • Reporter #1 – Frank Welker
  • Reporter #2 – Frank Welker
  • Dr. Viper – Frank Welker
  • Murray – Charles Adler

Act 1

(A bayside oil refinery suddenly explodes. A purple fighter jet zooms through the smoke and flies off across the bay, a trio of Enforcer choppers in pursuit. The SWAT Kats join the pursuit in the Turbokat.)

T-Bone: Does that crazy megalo think he can blow up every refinery in Megakat City?

Razor: He’s doin’ a good job so far.

(The enemy fighter suddenly turns around and flies towards the pursuing Enforcers, shooting them down. The purple jet turns and resumes its original course.)

T-Bone: He’s shreddin’ those Enforcer choppers like an old scratchin’ post! Guess it’s up to the SWAT Kats to kick some tail! Can ya get a lock on him?

Razor: Workin’ on it. Locked and loaded, T-Bone! One Octopus Missile, on its way!

(He fires. It closes on the enemy fighter, which makes no move to suggest its pilot knows he’s about to be hit.)

T-Bone: Sucker doesn’t even see it comin’! (suddenly the other jet banks left, avoiding the missile) He suckered us! How’d you miss him, sure-shot?

Razor: That guy must have eyes in the back of his head.

(The pilot of the other jet, Morbulus, turns, revealing he has a second pair of eyes in the back of his head. T-Bone turns the Turbokat upside-down and moves over Morbulus’ jet so they’re cockpit to cockpit.)

Razor: (shocked) Whoa, he does have eyes in the back of his head!

T-Bone: (unimpressed) No excuses.

Morbulus: You’ll have to do better than that, SWAT Kats, to catch Morbulus! Or… die trying! (laughs and zooms off)

T-Bone: So, four-eyes wants to play canyon tag, huh? (Morbulus evades them and heads for another refinery) Crud! He’s goin’ after the Megakat Refinery!

Razor: Head for that cloud bank, I’ve got an idea!

T-Bone: I hope it’s better than your aim. (flies into the cloud bank)

Morbulus: Scratch one more refinery! (prepares to drop a bomb)

(The Turbokat emerges from the clouds underneath Morbulus, moving up to fly underneath him. He doesn’t see them.)

Razor: Let’s see if four-eyes has eyes under his head!

(He fires a Cookie-Cutter Missile, which cuts a hole in the undercarriage of Morbulus’ jet, through which he falls, still in his seat and holding his steering stick.)

Razor: Bingo!

Morbulus: (screams as he falls, and is grabbed out of the air with the Sky Claw)

T-Bone: What’ll it be, Razor? Dunk or deliver?

T-Bone / Razor: (both give a thumbs-down) Dunk!

(They release Morbulus, dropping him from a lower altitude.)

Razor: Belly flop?

Morbulus: (lands in the ocean)

T-Bone: Mega-belly flop! Guess Feral and the Enforcers can handle it from here.

(Commander Feral’s chopper and fishes what appears to be Morbulus’ drowned body out of the water, then flies over to the refinery. Callie Briggs drives up and gets out as the body is lowered onto the ground.)

Feral: (getting out as the chopper lands) Keep away, Deputy Mayor! He could still be dangerous!

Callie: Yes, he could be. (she pulls off Morbulus’ helmet, revealing it’s just his empty clothes) If he was here. Looks like you’ve come up empty, Commander Feral. And the SWAT Kats practically gave him to you!

Feral: If they’d held Morbulus until we arrived, he’d be in custody right now!

(Mayor Manx’s limousine drives up followed by two news vans. Manx’s chauffeur opens the back door for him as a horde of reporters, including Ann Gora, get out and run over.)

Reporters: (indistinct chatter)

Ann: Mayor Manx, is this the end of what has been dubbed “The Refinery Reign of Terror?”

Manx: Absolutely! The authorities have apprehended the villain!

Reporters: (more indistinct chatter)

Callie: Mayor Manx, I’m afraid that’s not the case…

Manx: Uh, but Callie, you told me on the phone–-

Feral: You were obviously misinformed.

Reporter #1: Well, which is it, Commander? Do you have this wacko or don’t you?

Feral: Despite our valiant efforts, the villain known as Morbulus managed to escape. Although, we believe he may have drowned in the bay.

(Further down the beach, Morbulus, in just a sleeveless undershirt and purple boxer shorts, climbs into a huge drain pipe emptying sewage into the bay.)

Morbulus: (laughs) No way I’m gonna rot in some Megakat City prison!

(His rear eyes widen in surprise. A pair of glowing yellow eyes stare out at him from the darkness.)

Voice: I’ll put you to much better ussse than that…

(The SWAT Kats return to the hangar. Grabbing a stamp from an ink pad, T-Bone walks over to a wall with several Xes on them. He stamps another one onto it.)

T-Bone: Chalk up another one for the SWAT Kats!

(He and Razor both take their helmets and then their masks off, becoming Chance and Jake again.)

Jake: Nice flyin’.

Chance: Nice shootin’. (they change into their mechanics’ coveralls) Fun’s over.

Jake: Back to the greasepit.

(They climb a ladder into the garage.)

Chance: (getting some milk cans from the fridge) Let’s see if we made the 5:00 news.

(Jake turns on the TV. It’s mute. We see one of the reporters from earlier, the one with orange hair, interviewing Commander Feral at the refinery. Feral looks angry.)

Jake: Hey, there’s Feral.

Chance: Guy looks like he hasn’t hit the litterbox in a week! (they toast, hitting their milk cans together) Turn it up, I wanna here him take credit for what we did.

Reporter #2: (on TV) So you don’t have Morbulus in custody?

Feral: (on TV) Due to the interference of the SWAT Kats, this is all we have of Morbulus at the moment! (he holds up Morbulus’ empty clothes)

Chance / Jake: (spitting their milk out) What?!

Feral: (on TV) No one asked for their help and they allowed a dangerous criminal to escape!

Chance: Escape?! We practically handed Feral a gift package! (growls)

Feral: (on TV) And if I ever find out who they are, I’ll–- (Chance smashes the TV before he can finish his threat)

Jake: Aw, great. Morbulus is gone, so’s our TV! (tosses the remote away)

(Callie Briggs’ green car drives into the garage. She sticks her head out the window.)

Callie: I need your help, guys. This crate pinged all the way from Megakat Bay.

Chance: (fixing his hair) What were you doin’ way out there, Callie?

Callie: Didn’t you guys hear? The SWAT Kats shot down Morbulus! They were magnificent!

Chance: (feigning ignorance) Really?

Callie: They tore him right out of his plane!

Chance: (pretending to be amazed) No!

Callie: Yes! But somehow Commander Feral managed to lose him…

(Jake, meanwhile, is attempting to fix the broken TV.)

Jake: Yeah, so we heard. When we had a TV.

Callie: (giving Chance her keys) When do you think I can pick up the car?

Chance: Jake’ll start on it right away. (he throws the keys to Jake) You can wait for it, how ’bout some milk?

Callie: I really can’t. I’ve got to get back into town and help “his Honor” write his speech for tomorrow’s park dedication.

Chance: (indicating the tow truck) I’ll be happy to drive you.

Callie: No need. Mayor Manx is waiting for me outside. One of the, um, “perks” of being Deputy Mayor. Thanks, Chance.

(She walks out. Manx’s limo is sitting outside with the engine running, the chauffeur holding the back door open for her.)

Chance: Ha! (turns to Jake) Did you hear that? She’s crazy about me!

(Overhearing, Callie pokes her head back in through the garage door.)

Callie: (seductively) Bye, Jake!

(She walks out again. Chance stares in disbelief while Jake just smirks confidently.)

(Meanwhile, Morbulus is with Dr. Viper in the evil biochemist’s makeshift laboratory, loctaed in an enormous twisted dead tree sits in the middle of the gloomy, polluted swamp.)

Morbulus: So, this is the secret lab of the legendary Dr. Viper.

Viper: Quite an “eyeful,” isssn’t it, Morbulusss?

Morbulus: (looking over Viper’s chemistry set and picking a flask up) Very impressive. Looks like you’ve got everything a mad scientist needs right here.

Viper: Everything except the rare biochemical compound known as Katalyssst 99.

Morbulus: (playing with the flask) Well, maybe I could help ya get it, Doc.

Viper: Ah, we see “eye to eye,” Morbulusss. (grabs the flask back) I do have need of someone to get me into Megakat Biochemical Labsss.

Morbulus: Megakat Labs? Are you outta your mind?! That building’s impenetrable!

Viper: Up until now!

(Using an eyedropper, Viper puts a drop of something on Morbulus’ arm. The drop fizzes up into a purple slime with a hissing sound which starts oozing up his arm.)

Morbulus: What? (screams) What have you done to me?!

(He begins to undergo a horrifying transformation, his entire body mutating into a fizzing purple mass. All four of his eyes turn yellow and his feline nose and ears disappear. Dr. Viper watches gleefully.)

Viper: I’m letting you “help” me! (chuckles) As a living tessst tube for my new bacteria ssstrain!

(The eyes on the back of the transforming Morbulus’ head move up to join the two in front in a row.)

Morbulus: (voice horribly distorted) Noooo!

Viper: (sadistic) Yesss!

(Morbulus grows bigger and bigger, casting a huge shadow over Viper.)

Viper: I have big plansss for you! With your help, I’ll have Katalyst 99 and the power to dessstroy Megakat City!

(A final gurgling scream from Morbulus echoes out across the swamp.)

Act 2

(The following morning, Chance and Jake are working on Callie’s car in the garage. The hood is up. They’ve just finished installing some new “turbo” sparkplugs. Jake is examining one.)

Jake: (dubious) I’m not sure using these turbo plugs on Callie’s engine is such a good idea, Chance.

Chance: I say she’s gotta have extra horsepower in case of an emergency.

Jake: I say you’re gonna blow the engine.

(Opening the door, Chance gets behind the wheel.)

Chance: Jake, I’m a pilot. I know what an engine can handle. (turns the key ignition and the motor roars to life) See? Purrs like a kitten. (revs the engine) Growls like a tiger!

(All of a sudden, there’s a huge explosion. Smoke pours out from under the hood as Jake emerges, face blackened and burned, holding a partially melted turbo plug.)

Jake: Blows like a volcano! (looks at the melted plug) Now what’ll we tell Callie?

Chance: (gets out and angrily kicks a piece of something-or-other away) I’ll think of somethin’.

(Outside, Burke and Murray’s big noisy dump truck pulls up. It’s filled to the brim with junk.)

Murray: (leaning out the driver’s side window) Problems, guys? Maybe we can add to ‘em! (laughs)

Burke: Hit it, Murray!

(His brother pulls a lever. The truck’s tipper lifts back, dumping the entire load of scrap right in front of Chance and Jake’s garage door.)

Murray: This makes my day, Burke!

Burke: (as Chance and Jake walk over) They come a long way from bein’ pilots.

Murray: A looooong way… (he gives a thumbs-down) …down! (laughs)

(Leaning out, he hands Chance a clipboard.)

Murray: Sign here.

Chance: (signs and then snaps the pencil in frustration)

Murray: (tossing a piece of paper out at them) Here’s your copy! We’ll tell Commander Feral you sent your love! (laughs) Adios, amigos!

Chance: (imitating Murray) “This makes my day!”. (chuckles) If those dipsticks knew we built the Turbokat outta stuff like this. (gestures at the junk they just dumped)

Jake: They’d cough up a hairball! (laughs)

(Looking among the junk, Chance finds what appears to be a perfectly usable car engine.)

Chance: Hey, check it out. We can drop this baby under Callie’s hood. With a little modification, of course. (he picks it up (!) and examines it)

Jake: (finding a perfectly usable TV as well) And I think I found our new TV!

(A farm outside the city. A lone cow is grazing peacefully by the barn when suddenly a shadow falls over her. She looks up, confronted by something huge, purple and slimy. She moos in fear as it lunges forward with wide-open maw and eats her.)

Farmer: (coming out of the barn) What’s goin’ on out here?

(Coming around the corner, he gasps as he encounters the mutant creature that used to be Morbulus, an enormous purple bacteria monster with four eyes and a huge, grinning maw, currently slurping the cow’s tail up like a noodle. He backs away from the thing.)

Farmer: (holding his pitchfork up defensively) Get away!

Viper: I’ll teach you to tamper with my experiment! (grabs the farmer with his tail)

(The bacteria monster walks over, blocking what occurs from our view.)

Farmer: (yelps)

(When the monster moves aside again, only Dr. Viper remains; the farmer is gone, having been eaten alive.)

Viper: And now that you’ve had your breakfassst, it’s time to begin our commute into Megakat City, by ssssewer. (chuckles) Follow me!

(They cross the yard towards a large open drain pipe, with Megakat City in the distance.)

(In the park, the reporters from before – including Ann – are gathered as Mayor Manx prepares to unveil a big… something underneath a tarp with a ribbon tied around it. Callie stands close by holding a pair of scissors.)

Manx: (finishing his speech) As Mayor of Megakat City, I am proud to dedicate this beautiful new park, which bears my name.

(Callie gives him the scissors. There’s halfhearted applause and the orange-haired reporter snaps a photo of Manx as he cuts the ribbon. The tarp falls away revealing… a huge statue of Mayor Manx himself.)

(In the garage, Chance and Jake are watching the Kat’s Eye News coverage of the event on the new TV while they’re installing the new engine in Callie’s car. Manx and Callie are visible. Chance has stopped working to stare dreamily at the screen.)

Chance: Ahh, that Callie sure is pretty.

Jake: Yeah, but she’ll be pretty mad if we don’t get her car running.

(Getting the idea, Chance gets back to work. Ann Gora is now on the TV screen.)

Ann: (on TV) From the new Manx Municipal Park, this is Ann Gora for Kat’s Eye News.

(Back at the park, Ann turns as she notices the bacteria monster coming out of the sewer.)

Ann: What in the-–? (to Jonny) Quick, get a shot of that!

(Roaring, the monster full extracts itself from the manhole, as Ann and Jonny wisely beat feet.)

Manx: (terrified) It’s every kat for himself!

(He and Callie turn and run away. A news cameraman films the approaching monster. The advancing beast is seen reflected in the lens of his camera. He lowers the camera, gasps, then resumes filming while Callie shoves Manx into the front seat of his own limousine.)

Callie: (getting behind the wheel) Better let me drive, Mayor!

Manx: (apoplectic with terror) Just get me out of here!

(She shifts gears, then screams seeing the monster approaching through the windshield.)

(In the garage, Chance and Jake, hearing her scream, jump up with such suddenness that they bang their heads against the underside of the raised car hood.)

Chance / Jake: Hey, that’s Callie!

(In the park, Callie steels herself up.)

Callie: Out of my way, slimeball!

(She floors it, and the limo plows through the monster, splitting it apart around either side of the advancing vehicle. The monster collapses into two seemingly lifeless mounds of purple muck. Callie keeps driving and stops a safe distance away. She and Manx look back and watch as the two mounds stir, reforming into two separate bacteria monsters, each with two eyes.)

(In the garage, the monsters are seen on the TV walking towards the stopped limo.)

Chance / Jake: Let’s hit it!

(They suit up as the SWAT Kats and fly off to the rescue.)

(At the park, the pair of two-eyed bacteria monsters advance on the limo and begin to eat it from back to front. Callie drags a gibbering Manx out the front driver’s side door.)

Callie: Come on, Mayor! Hurry!

Manx: (terrified gibberish)

(They run off just as the monsters finish eating the car. An Enforcer chopper arrives, dropping a rescue ladder. Although Callie reaches it first, Manx knocks her aside to climb up, himself. She barely manages to grab the bottom rung and is pulled to safety just as one of the creatures would’ve grabbed her. The two climb inside. Feral and an Enforcer pilot are at the controls.)

Feral: Relax, Mayor. The Enforcers are here now.

Callie: (excited) So are the SWAT Kats!

(Feral is most displeased to see the arriving Turbokat.)

Razor: Looks like Callie’s safe.

T-Bone: Not the way Feral flies!

(The two aircraft fly side by side.)

Feral: (via radio) Back off, you vigilantes! The authorities are handling this! (to his pilot) Fire on my order!

Razor: I don’t think that’s a good idea, Feral. We saw what happened when Callie hit it.

Callie: (leaning over Feral and the pilot’s shoulders) He’s right!

(The Enforcer pilot looks at Feral.)

Feral: (assertive) I’m in command here!

(The chopper veers away from the Turbokat, towards the monsters.)

T-Bone: I think he’s blown us off.

(Feral lowers the visor on his flight helmet, and targets one of the monsters.)

Feral: Fire!

(A missile hits the two-eyed bacteria monster dead center, creating a huge explosion. When the smoke clears, however, the creature has split again, this time into two one-eyed monsters.)

Razor: Now he’s done it!

(The three creatures – one with two eyes and two with one eye – turn and leave the park as Dr. Viper lifts up a manhole cover and peeks out.)

Viper: Those fools have given me three ways into Megakat Labsss! (hisses and disappears back down into the sewer)

(The trio of bacteria monsters round a corner and begin lumbering towards their goal, Megakat Biochemical Labs, in the distance. The Enforcer chopper is following them.)

Feral: Normal weapons won’t stop those monsters!

Manx: You’ve made that abundantly clear, Feral.

Callie: They seem to be heading for the Megakat Biochemical Labs. We’d better get there first!

(The SWAT Kats are also following the creatures.)

T-Bone: Any idea what to throw at these guys?

Razor: How ’bout Feral? Thanks to him we’ve got three to fight!

T-Bone: (suddenly noticing something) Then how come I only see two!?

(Now only two (one-eyed) bacteria monsters are walking down the street. The third has disappeared.)

Razor: Hey, where’d the other one go?

T-Bone: Use the X-Ray Beam!

(The X-Ray Beam descends from the Turbokat’s undercarriage, and Razor scans the surrounding area for the missing monster, until he locates it – seen from behind – entering a subway station.)

Razor: (in horror) Oh no, one’s going in the subway!

T-Bone: Gotta move fast!

(Razor shoots out of the bottom of the Jet on the Cyclotron and zooms off down the street.)

(A three car subway train heads through the tunnel. Suddenly up ahead, it finds its path blocked by the bacteria monster (which only has one eye in an animation error).)

Motorman: (gasps and hits the brakes)

(The train screeches to an abrupt halt.)

Passengers: Whoooaaaa!

(Suddenly, the monster’s hand smashes in through the window.)

Passengers: (scream)

(Razor zooms down the subway steps and drives into the tunnel, arriving in time to witness the monster oozing over the entire train to swallow it in one massive gulp.)

Razor: (horrified) Oh no, too late!

(Turning around, he zooms off down the tunnel, the roaring bacteria monster in hot pursuit, its huge, grinning maw filling the screen.)

Act 3

Razor: So, it doesn’t like heat, huh? Maybe it’ll follow me onto this electrified rail and give itself a mega hotfoot! Bingo!

T-Bone: Razor, what is cookin’ down there?

Razor: French-fried bacteria! Rendezvous in t-minus five, Katalina entrance. Three, two, one!

T-Bone: Gotcha! The other two giant zits are closin’ in on Megakat Labs!

Razor: I can handle ‘em.

Zyme: They appear to be giant bacteria. On such short notice, this is the best I could do. It contains the most powerful antibiotics known. Hopefully, it should stop them.

Callie: It better work. Those things are heading right for us!

Zyme: Don’t worry, Ms. Briggs! These windows are practically indestructible.

Viper: While the bacteria wreak havoc, I will raid the labs!

Manx: I’m coming too! I don’t want to be around here if this stuff doesn’t work!

Feral: You’re a coward, Manx.

Manx: You don’t get to be Mayor for ten terms, without being cautious!

T-Bone: Say ‘Ahhhh’!

Razor: One Megavolt Missile, away!

T-Bone: I thought you said this would work!

Razor: Give it time. Five, four, three, two, one…

Manx: The SWAT Kats took care of that one, Feral!

Feral: And I’ll take care of the other! Got him!

Zyme: It worked!

Viper: You were always an arrogant fool, Dr. Zyme! My bacteria is immune to antibiotics!

T-Bone: Time for another Megavolt Missile, buddy!

Razor: Whoops! Guess I’m one short!

Callie: You won’t get away with this, Dr. Viper!

Viper: No, Ms. Briggs. It’s you who won’t get away!

T-Bone and Razor: Callie!

Razor: Lead him onto the bridge, then double back! Now!

T-Bone: Game’s over, Dr. Viper!

Viper: Still one more play!

Feral: Miss Briggs, are you all right?

Callie: Yes, thanks to the SWAT Kats. Whoever they are.

Feral: Thanks to them, half of Megakat City is without power!

T-Bone: Hey, you know a better way to cook a giant bacteria? Looks like Burke and Murray have got a looooong day ahead of ‘em.